HaPPy Potter.

I liked it.

I thought about just leaving my review at that but maybe I should explain a little. I read the first three harry potter books when they first came out and then stopped. I don't know why, it just kind of happened. Needless to say, I am not one of those die hard fans, although I would like to read the rest when time permits. The movie was good, in my opinion. I'm sad that **SPOILER**

Dumble had to die, but I guess everyone else was expecting that. Haha. 

Bless your soul, you've Staal-en my heart!

okay i just can't get over how adorable this picture is! i mean, jordan staal is beautiful and talented and comes from a legacy of amazing hockey players, if anyone should have a big ego it's him! yet alas, one more reason to love jordan staal, he is just a homebody paying homage to his humble beginnings. love it.

With not an idea of what to make of these times...

It's incredible to me how high and low this past week has been. I find myself laying in my bed after a very long, amazing, trying week with not an idea of what to make of these times. I keep getting this weird feeling that this is just how life is on the Rez and I don't even know the full of it. Every year something hits more and more "closer to home". I am thankful this year that I am experiencing an overwhelming sense of humility but at the same time find a balance between letting my inadequacies freeze me and being too hot headed. I've let my emotions get the best of me and it only results in making me...tired. I'm finding that it's okay not to have all the answers...and that puts me in a vulnerable spot. I've never really felt like I've needed logic or reason but now I feel so...exposed when I don't. 

What I don't know:

I don't understand why bad things happen...I don't understand why sexual abuse is tolerated or why parents lose their beloved babies. Why dads leave. Not fathers. D

ads. I don't understand why my emotions get the best of me. I claim to be a "people person" and so many times I jump to a conclusion without even the slightest bit of insight into their life. I don't understand why I am so restless. I feel like I have gotten a glimpse of what my life could be if I were patient and did not settle-I loved it. Will I be able to do it?

What I do know:

I believe in God and that Jesus Christ died for the sins of me and you. Once and for all. 

Hope is real.

There are good people out there.

My heart is broken and I've neve

r felt so helpless in my life. 

It's only been three weeks and I'm dreading leaving here. Don't get me wrong I am THRILLED to see everyone back home. I just hate being so far away from the people I'm building these deep relationships with.

I love Apache Youth Ministries. I see God moving in it more than any other ministry I have ever wit

nessed in my 19 years of life. It's incredible what's happening here. The staff is incredible.

I know I

 need You

I need to love You

I love to see You, but it's bee

n so long

I long to feel You

I feel this need for You

And I need to hear You, is that so wrong? 

Now You pull

 me near You

When we're close, I fear You

Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done

Are You done forgiving? 

Oh can You look past my pretending?

 

Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become

What have I be

come?

 

I hear You say, 

"My love is over. It's underneath.

It's inside. It's in between.

The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.

The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '

The times you're broken.

The times that you mend.

The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.

Well, My love is over, it's underneath.

It's inside, it's in between.

These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.

The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.

The times you're hurting.

The times that you heal.

The times you

 go hungry, and are tempted to steal.

The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.

I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.

I'm there through your heartache.

I'm there in the storm.

My love I will keep

 you, by My pow'r alone.

I don't care where you

 fall, where you have been.

I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.

It never ends."

 

BAH! IT'S BEEN FOR-EV-ER!

Hey, kids! I have been meaning to write a blog but I've been kind of busy with my internship so I'll just catch you up real quick...

Arizona is amazing! It is so good to be back out here! Erin is the other summer intern out here and she is totally awesome! Great girl with a great heart! We've been at the Kennel a lot working with short term groups that come in and we've been doing a lot for Hoops on the Rez. Hoops on the Rez is a basketball camp that AYM hosts every year and it's awesome. Saturday we are helping pick up a short term team of about 20 AND 40 basketball players who have basically been recruited to help out this year...don't worry...it's not like Dwight Howard is coming or anything...but college players none the less! Hoops on the Rez is amazing because it brings in sooooo many Apache Youth. These kids are good at ball and this is such a great opportunity for them because they don't really have anything to do all day except sit around and that plays in to them getting in to trouble. 

Speaking of, it is still a very dark place out here. Some of you have caught on to the little girl that has stolen my heart, Sequoia. The other night we dropped her off at home on our way up to Pinetop and her mom was not home. Sequoia seemed very upset and we all knew why-this is something that happens quite often. When we went to pick her up the next morning Sequoia asked "If you see my mom, will you tell her to come home?" Wow. It ripped my heart out of my chest. What kid should have to beg their parent to come home? It reminded me of the story of the Prodigal Son but in reverse. 

That's life for a lot of these kids out here-and for most their stories are even worse than that...

But to me, it doesn't matter how awful it gets out here because I have met some amazing Apache teens who have chosen another way of life. A way of hope. That being said, I will never tolerate the word "hopeless" in reference to the Reservation. I've heard it one too many times from people back at home and if I hear it one more time I am going to freak out on who ever says it! haha. I know that sounds harsh, but I've realized I have sat on the sideline in one too many a conversation that degrades the Reservation. Yes, the Reservation and any other location for that matter, is hopeless without Christ but it's a slap in the face to say the Rez is "hopeless", that the kids out here "don't have a chance". Even just typing that out makes me want to curse like a sailor because it's all lies! Hopeless is a word used by the lazy. Sorry if that's rude or too straight forward but I believe it with my whole heart.

The Reservation gives me hope. Sequoia, Rainey, Dmitri, Millie, Marissa, Tia...these are the kids that give me hope.

On a lighter note, I have been overwhelmed by the support of my friends while I've been out here. Why this came as a shock to me I have no idea because I have the most amazing friends a girl could ask for...but still...my friends have gone above and beyond anything I could ever ask for them. I am truly blessed to have you in my life. YOU give me hope.